What is Spiritual Partnership?
How Does It Affect Relationship Communication?
According to Gary Zukov in Seat of the Soul, speaking of relationship communication,
"The archetype of marriage is no longer functional. It is being replaced with a new archetype that is designed to assist spiritual growth. This is the archetype of spiritual, or sacred, partnership."
Scott Peck gave us almost exactly the same definition of love way back in 1977 in The Road Less Traveled. “Love,” said Peck, “is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
Until now, however, no one has spelled out exactly how Spiritual Partnership differs from the old models of marriage and love, or exactly how it works in every day life. Exactly how do I “nurture my own or another’s spiritual growth?” That is exactly the question I answer in my book, Why Talking is not Enough, and what I will summarize here.
Spiritual Partnership differs from the Old Model of relationships in two major ways:
1. Loving Actions replace relationship communication as the primary tool for problem solving and relationship enrichment.
2. In Spiritual Partnership, your focus shifts from your partner and from relationship communication to your own spiritual path.
How Spiritual Partnership Replaces Relationship "Communication"
Good relationship communication is great, if you already have it. But “communication” tends to focus on problems, on the weak parts of your relationship. And how often have you talked over a problem and felt worse afterwards?
In Spiritual Partnership, instead of focusing endlessly on relationship communication, we invite you to ask this question:
"If I were to behave in accord with my highest spiritual values right now, what would I do?"
The answer is NOT more and better relationship communication. The answer is, you find a loving action, an action that will both make you a more spiritually behaving person and make an impact on your relationship.
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For example, one Loving Action is to “Act As If.” When you are angry, you can, as a deliberate spiritually-motivated experiment, choose to behave in a loving, rather than an angry way. When Robert was late for dinner without calling for the fourth time in a row, Cheryl was (justifiably, some might say) furious. But when he finally arrived, instead of assaulting him, or trying one of her relationship communication techniques, she greeted him with a kiss and you-must-be-exhausted-what-kept-you-so-late, and she handed him a glass of wine. They had a lovely evening together, and never discussed “the problem.” Her mood changed as they talked, and he felt her love and support. Cheryl voluntarily, as a spiritual act, gave up her claim to being “right” in this situation, and decided that harmony and love was a higher priority for her than trying to change Robert or getting him to admit he was inconsiderate.
We might think of Spiritual Partnership as “applied spirituality.” It is based on the simple idea that if you focus on behaving in a spiritual way yourself, rather than on fixing your relationship or your partner, then you, your partner, and your relationship will be both happier and stronger.
Perhaps the best news about becoming a Spiritual Partner is that you can do it by yourself! If your partner is not oriented toward personal or spiritual growth, (and remember, he or she may have valid reasons for such an aversion), or if your partner always avoids relationship communication, it doesn’t matter! By voluntarily becoming the Loving Leader in your relationship, you can create astonishing changes that both of you will appreciate, and that will give you a feeling of inner strength and personal power and well-being, which are the ultimate goals of any spiritual practice!
A second piece of good news about Spiritual Partnership is that it does not require extra time. It is simply a new way of approaching what you are already doing. Never again will you have to “talk” about a problem and haul out your old relationship communication skills. Now your relationship communication can all be pleasant!
Each of the eight Loving Actions:
✓ Is motivated by a desire for spiritual growth
✓ Is unilateral
✓ Requires discipline, an act of will
✓ Is experimental
In the book, I also take considerable time to define what I mean by “spiritual” (as a way of starting a dialogue on the subject.) To be spiritual, I submit, is to recognize your connection to the universe and to everyone and everything in it, and to strive each moment for the thoughts and actions that will increase and not decrease this connection. Your spiritual journey is your own personal journey
✓ From isolation to connection
✓ From your conditioned personality to your authentic self
✓ From fear to love
✓ From sleep to consciousness or awareness
✓ From control to surrender
✓ From restlessness to inner peace.
Each of the Eight Loving Actions gives you a concrete, easy-to-learn, way to put these values into action in your daily life. As you become a more seasoned Spiritual Partner, by practicing these simple actions, you will be furthering your own spiritual journey at the same time you will be giving your relationship a great gift.
The Eight Loving Actions
The Eight Loving Actions that move you completely beyond the Old Model of relationship communication skills are these:
1. Adopt a Spirit of Good Will
2. Give Up Problem-Solving
3. Act As If
4. Practice Restraint
5. Balance Giving and Taking
6. Act on Your Own
7. Practice Acceptance
8. Practice Compassion
